The Thing I have to do

So it's been ages since my last post, been trying to get my hustle going and find where I belong. I must say it has been tough going with frustrations galore, tears and laughter and heartwarming moments as i try to find my way through the maze that is my life (sigh).I find it really difficult just trying to hold on to that I used to be and sink my hands into the person that I am now and hope to soon be. I feel so helpless at times well i guess it's more self pity than anything else, feels like the darkness in my life just hangs over me like my sun will never shine, but enough about that.

I've decided to start a novel (yay!!!) anyway it's pretty exciting I must say, I cant wait to start I have so many ideas floating around in my head but penning it all down in a constructive way is a whole different ball game. Who would have thought that writing would be so complicated. maybe I am just too ambitious, but anyway if i can put down 5000 words by the end of November then I will consider myself something of a writer.

Anyway thats my to-do thing these next two months.

Peace, love and happiness
Ellie

The Nightmare

I had a dream, a nightmare to be exact. At the time it seemed so real, and yet somehow seemed like something out of a supernatural episode. Maybe it was, whatever.
It scared me, the creature from my nightmare. It was dark and foreboding and it seemed to want to find a pathway to my soul. A place to hide, a place to own. There I was unable to awaken, unable to move, it looked into my eyes as it tried to take a piece of my soul.

Somehow I'm finally able to move and just like that I'm wide awake, jolted upright. My heart tries to leap out of my chest, I can hear the blood pumping in my ears, I'm drenched in a cold sweat. I look around cautiously, afraid of what I might see. I see something in the corner of my eye, I turn my head slowly and see a jacket hanging on the knob of my cupboard.
A sigh of relief escapes my lips as I wipe the sweat from my face. Suddenly my fridge starts to hum and I almost scream out in fright, outside somewhere a police car whizzes by, a drunk guy sings out loud and stumbles over some rubble. All these sounds, so confusing, so scary.

My fear is real and I wonder if I will sleep again tonight.......

You

You bring me joy, you bring me sadness
In the deepest parts of my soul I find myself longing for you
Heart hidden, mind open, cautiously navigating through this dense thicket of feelings
I run and hide, afraid to face the facts
I need you, I want you.
Your smile, your laughter, the twinkle in your eye and is all I can think of
I wake up wrapped in a blanket of thoughts, thoughts of only you fill my head night and day
In your voice I find comfort, in your arms I find solitude and in you I find more of myself

Letters to myself

Dear me,

Its funny how life turned out, how everything changes.
Don't be afraid to be you, don't be afraid to be wrong and don't be afraid to fail. Failure is inevitable at one point or another, the trick is to find a way to rise from the ashes and start afresh. Fear will always hold you back, its crazy how life took a dramatic turn.
You can still be happy, don't be afraid to love because you feel like you always get left. One day things will change.

Stand strong in your beliefs, don't chicken out because you don't want to hurt people.
Be happy with who you have become, stop nitpicking at everything that has gone wrong so far-its all part of growing up, it's made you who you are.
Don't be afraid of heartbreak, it happens and it hurts but you get over it.
Do what you love, others might not approve or understand but do it anyway because you love it.

Life is hard, embrace it, keep the hope alive, walk in faith.
Be silly, who says just because you have grown you have to stop being silly.
Enjoy the little things because pretty soon they will be gone.
Love unconditionally and without fear. Love with a passion borne of a pure heart, love like you have never been hurt before, love fiercely and truly.
Love yourself, find yourself. Your scars don't define you but rather show courage and fierceness.

Don't belittle yourself. Just because people take you for granted doesn't mean you are undeserving.
Speak out, don't be afraid to go after what you want..
Always remember that mistakes are a part of life.
Be kind to yourself, you're still learning and evolving.

Keep surviving
Ellie

Like a tattoo

He told me sweet lies of sweet love
Heavy with the burden of the truth
And he spoke of his dreams
Broken by the burden
Broken by the burden of his youth
Fourteen years he said
I couldn't look into the sun
She saw him laying at the end of my gun
Hungry for life
And thirsty for the distant river
I remember his hands
And the way the mountains looked
The light shot diamonds from his eyes
Hungry for life
And thirsty for the distant river
Like the scar of age
Written all over my face
The war is still raging inside of me
I still feel the chill
As i reveal my shame to you
I wear it like a tattoo

This Sade jam has been finding it's way into my list of most played songs lately.
Carrying in its simple lyrics the deepest of emotions and passions. We all carry our hurt around like tattoos on our bodies. Hidden in places that cannot be seen are the scars of our past. The pains we cannot bear to show the world, the secrets we carry deep inside and the echoes of memories past.
Our "tattoos" can either hold us back or liberate us, the point is not to look back in shame at what has been but rather learn the lessons from the past
Granted this song has a different meaning, it is just a simple story in black and white but for me this song is always a reminder to focus on the now and leave the scars of yesterday behind.

Peace, love and happiness
Ellie

How To Be Happy

Everyone has a definition of what happiness is, and what makes one happy and how one can lead a happy life. I got into a discussion recently about what happiness really is, so my little curious mind set to work asking questions and yes, googling what happiness is and what makes one happy. Well i can successfully report that there are more than a hundred thousand definitions and tips on how to be happy. That should mean a whole lot of happy people right? Maybe...

However it would seem happiness is a very elusive concept that has us all searching for something meaningful, some happiness-inducing tonic that will make us happy and allow us to stay that way.
I have asked myself over the years what it is to be happy? After many sleepless nights spent debating this question I finally came up with an answer:
Happiness is a personal journey unique to each person, I suppose the secret would be to be truly honest with oneself and find out what really makes one deliriously happy. Honestly we can only do so much googling before we realise that's not where we will find our answers.
My happiness lies in the simple things like walking barefoot in the rain or listening to music or just being around the people I love.

I think it's time we all took that leap of faith and find our happiness

Peace, love and happiness
Ellie

The Journey

As I meander through this maze that is aptly called life I sometimes wonder where all this is going to end. Plagued by all the things I haven't done, all the things I wish I could do, all the places I want to go and all the love I want to share. I am sure that I am not the only one that has entertained thoughts of how or where this journey will lead to, everyone of us has at some point or other entertained the thoughts of the envisioned goals. Will I be happy? Will all these sacrifices pay off? What is my fate? What am I doing with my life? All these questions lead to nothing but more questions which lead to frustration and the inevitable conclusion that life is unpredictable.

Anyway in my musings I have discovered that the whole philosophy about it not being about the destination but the journey actually makes a lot of sense. I find that in taking each day as an adventure and learning to embrace each day as it comes with all the good and the not so good helps one to focus less on the destination and whatever joys or incredible horrors it may bring and focus more on the present and living in it.

Enjoying each day is a fundamental thing we forget and more often than not push aside, with all the rushing and hustling and bustling we do to reach our desired goals, working ourselves to the bone to reach that place where we all want to be. We forget to stop, breathe and be thankful to feel the sun on our faces or admire the beauty of nature and the amazing and sometimes horrifying creatures that dwell within  and most importantly, we forget to live. Taking each day as it comes is the best way to have enjoyed the journey to the envisioned goal.

Peace, Love and Happiness'
Ellie