The commute......

So today is another day on the bus home, wish this week would hurry up and end. Feeling so exhausted for some odd reason. The commute home is always interesting, I get to watch people's interactions or lack thereof with each other.
People who know each other are talking in animated voices and laughing out loud, while strangers sit awkwardly next to each other without saying a word and looking anywhere but at the person opposite them-i guess nobody wants to be creepy.

People outside are going about their daily lives, the joggers, the hawkers, the people walking to the bus or the taxi or even walking home. I wonder what they are all thinking about? Money? Family? Chores? Supper? Everyone is absorbed in their own thoughts, dealing with the things in their life, carrying some kind of responsibility.

When did it become a bad thing to have a conversation with the stranger sitting next to you? I guess one gets so absorbed in their own world that it because impossible to see anything else. I said hi to the person who sat next to me and got a muffled half reply and then they looked away. Well I guess it shouldn't matter but it got me thinking about how preoccupied we have become, we are so preoccupied that we don't even say hello or stop to enjoy these little moments that flutter into our lives.

Well whatever the case, I'm on a mission to say hi and smile to everyone who crosses my path on a day to day basis. They might say hi back or they might not, but this is what I'm doing and I'm sure it's going to be fun.

Peace, love and happiness
Ellie

Blessings

How time flies, seems like just yesterday when I was making new years resolutions ( which I haven't really been able to stick to,  just by the way) and now I'm on the threshold of a new year and a new chapter in my life.

It's my birthday month (whoop! whoop!). All year I've been wrestling with this getting a year older thing, it has been quite depressing, mostly because I thought I would have it all by this age. I thought I would have the life every young person dreams of having with the fancy car, the awesome house with the cool gadgets, surrounded by the movers and shakers of my time.
Well unfortunately, I still don't have that car or the house nor am I surrounded by movers and shakers, I'm simply just reminded that I am a year older without any of these things ("thats so great!" she added sarcastically).

But all is not lost there is a light at the end of my tunnel,  I have only just found my calling in life, I've gotten a whole lot closer to my parents, I have a son who thinks I'm the coolest thing to walk the earth (so awesome by the way) and close friends who get me through the tough times and the good times and a young man who is just too awesome (giggling and blushing like a schoolgirl). So I've come to realise that even though I'm not where I naively wanted to be all those years ago, all that has happened to me has led me to this exact point in my life. And I'm actually loving every moment of it.

So hello birthday month, I'm ready to embrace another year with open arms.

Peace, love and happiness
Ellie

The Thing I have to do

So it's been ages since my last post, been trying to get my hustle going and find where I belong. I must say it has been tough going with frustrations galore, tears and laughter and heartwarming moments as i try to find my way through the maze that is my life (sigh).I find it really difficult just trying to hold on to that I used to be and sink my hands into the person that I am now and hope to soon be. I feel so helpless at times well i guess it's more self pity than anything else, feels like the darkness in my life just hangs over me like my sun will never shine, but enough about that.

I've decided to start a novel (yay!!!) anyway it's pretty exciting I must say, I cant wait to start I have so many ideas floating around in my head but penning it all down in a constructive way is a whole different ball game. Who would have thought that writing would be so complicated. maybe I am just too ambitious, but anyway if i can put down 5000 words by the end of November then I will consider myself something of a writer.

Anyway thats my to-do thing these next two months.

Peace, love and happiness
Ellie

The Nightmare

I had a dream, a nightmare to be exact. At the time it seemed so real, and yet somehow seemed like something out of a supernatural episode. Maybe it was, whatever.
It scared me, the creature from my nightmare. It was dark and foreboding and it seemed to want to find a pathway to my soul. A place to hide, a place to own. There I was unable to awaken, unable to move, it looked into my eyes as it tried to take a piece of my soul.

Somehow I'm finally able to move and just like that I'm wide awake, jolted upright. My heart tries to leap out of my chest, I can hear the blood pumping in my ears, I'm drenched in a cold sweat. I look around cautiously, afraid of what I might see. I see something in the corner of my eye, I turn my head slowly and see a jacket hanging on the knob of my cupboard.
A sigh of relief escapes my lips as I wipe the sweat from my face. Suddenly my fridge starts to hum and I almost scream out in fright, outside somewhere a police car whizzes by, a drunk guy sings out loud and stumbles over some rubble. All these sounds, so confusing, so scary.

My fear is real and I wonder if I will sleep again tonight.......

You

You bring me joy, you bring me sadness
In the deepest parts of my soul I find myself longing for you
Heart hidden, mind open, cautiously navigating through this dense thicket of feelings
I run and hide, afraid to face the facts
I need you, I want you.
Your smile, your laughter, the twinkle in your eye and is all I can think of
I wake up wrapped in a blanket of thoughts, thoughts of only you fill my head night and day
In your voice I find comfort, in your arms I find solitude and in you I find more of myself

Letters to myself

Dear me,

Its funny how life turned out, how everything changes.
Don't be afraid to be you, don't be afraid to be wrong and don't be afraid to fail. Failure is inevitable at one point or another, the trick is to find a way to rise from the ashes and start afresh. Fear will always hold you back, its crazy how life took a dramatic turn.
You can still be happy, don't be afraid to love because you feel like you always get left. One day things will change.

Stand strong in your beliefs, don't chicken out because you don't want to hurt people.
Be happy with who you have become, stop nitpicking at everything that has gone wrong so far-its all part of growing up, it's made you who you are.
Don't be afraid of heartbreak, it happens and it hurts but you get over it.
Do what you love, others might not approve or understand but do it anyway because you love it.

Life is hard, embrace it, keep the hope alive, walk in faith.
Be silly, who says just because you have grown you have to stop being silly.
Enjoy the little things because pretty soon they will be gone.
Love unconditionally and without fear. Love with a passion borne of a pure heart, love like you have never been hurt before, love fiercely and truly.
Love yourself, find yourself. Your scars don't define you but rather show courage and fierceness.

Don't belittle yourself. Just because people take you for granted doesn't mean you are undeserving.
Speak out, don't be afraid to go after what you want..
Always remember that mistakes are a part of life.
Be kind to yourself, you're still learning and evolving.

Keep surviving
Ellie

Like a tattoo

He told me sweet lies of sweet love
Heavy with the burden of the truth
And he spoke of his dreams
Broken by the burden
Broken by the burden of his youth
Fourteen years he said
I couldn't look into the sun
She saw him laying at the end of my gun
Hungry for life
And thirsty for the distant river
I remember his hands
And the way the mountains looked
The light shot diamonds from his eyes
Hungry for life
And thirsty for the distant river
Like the scar of age
Written all over my face
The war is still raging inside of me
I still feel the chill
As i reveal my shame to you
I wear it like a tattoo

This Sade jam has been finding it's way into my list of most played songs lately.
Carrying in its simple lyrics the deepest of emotions and passions. We all carry our hurt around like tattoos on our bodies. Hidden in places that cannot be seen are the scars of our past. The pains we cannot bear to show the world, the secrets we carry deep inside and the echoes of memories past.
Our "tattoos" can either hold us back or liberate us, the point is not to look back in shame at what has been but rather learn the lessons from the past
Granted this song has a different meaning, it is just a simple story in black and white but for me this song is always a reminder to focus on the now and leave the scars of yesterday behind.

Peace, love and happiness
Ellie